I can’t believe I missed the potluck for English 241.

I hate my professor. I harbor a secret seething hatred for her. She is the ultimate doofus. They say in order to hate, you have to hate yourself first. The good news is one of the prerequisites of being an English major is you have to hate yourself plenty. So, it only makes sense that I would show up today for the oxymoron 18^th century literature party. How many days do you get to drink soda? In class? If you said five days out of the school week, you need to get your facts checked.

My professor got really excited about this potluck. She made a discussion board online designated to assigning people an item to bring. If I’d of gone, I’d of brought chips. I thought about it. I made a mental note to buy two bags of Dorritos. But I don’t think I’d be doing anyone in that class a favor by supplying them with more trans fat. 

Margaret writes, “I’ll be bringing cookies”.

We know, Margaret. You bring them all the time.

Kristin writes, “I’ll be bringing brownies or cookies”.

Kristen. Get your head in the game. Margaret basically has that base covered. I mean look at Nicole.

Nicole writes, “I’ll be bringing bruchetta from my company resturaunt Postino! Sooooo good!”

Notice the use of several letter ‘o’s. As if there was any doubt it was so good, get a load of the extra four ‘o’s. Let’s just hope Nicole was willing to share.

Thomas wrote, “I’ll bring a “shmoke and pancake”…haha…naw…I'll bring the cucumber salad with chile, limon, y sal! Mmmmmmmmmm....finger licking good!" 

Thomas, we admire you for your sense of humor and your Hispanic heritage. Never lose either one. 

Victoria wrote, "bringing fried chicken, and bottle of soda". 

Racist. Katherine shares concern, saying, "im bringing a liter of....diet coke, mountain dew, and root beer. But we have a prob? What about ice? no one wants warm soda..." No one in their right mind would do the dew room temperature. Katherine sheds light on a serious prob, the catalyst no one ever thinks of: mother fucking ice. Truly, what about ice? Are you bringing it?

I turn 21 next Monday on my last day of English 241 because god hates me.